when my heart suddenly had nothing to say...
Written on 2010-12-31 at 6:35 a.m.
Hey,
I've been up forever now. 2 hours at least. It's only 6:36AM, ugh. I wish I could sleep more...and I am on a medication that is supposed to help me sleep. Phhhffttt, it's really not helping me. My ex girlfriend (most recent)tried to message me like nothing was wrong. She didn't try to apologize or anything, but it was such a piss off. I told her that I couldn't be around her because one of the voices I hear, is hers...telling me to kill myself. She really fucked me up. She isn't the reason I ended up in the hospital, but she sure didn't make things any easier for me.
My other ex...hmmmm...she is not making any sense to me, and she went back to her old self where she continues to not appreciate me and yell for stupid reasons. I know I don't deserve that, and it doesn't help me with my health. Like, I say "I love you" And she tells me I am not allowed to say that. I read through her facebook messages from Mariana, and "te amo" does mean I love you...even though I did ask her if she loved Mariana and she said no. She says I am irresponsible, when she dated/dates this girl who doesn't have an education other than highschool and doesn't work. I am the irresponsible one? Hahahaha. And this girl is such a whore, it's disgusting.
You know what, I am just going to focus on myself and my health right now. I had a wonderful Christmas - it was such a good day. I didn't ask for anything other than a coke fridge, but I got many other things, such as a telescope, clothes, fondue fountain, iPod, gay pride coat (which was definitely my favorite).
I have been enjoying the holidays as much as I can. I am on a lot of medication and I still hear voices and see images of dead bodies, but I try my best to get through the day anyways. I listen to a lot of music, I see a counsellor, and I hang out with my friends to keep my mind off of things. Soon, they'll be gone back to University, but I will be starting college for 14 weeks which I am so beyond excited for :)
Anyways, I must go and do some laundry and clean up a little. I have a few errands to do once everything opens.
-Shandi. xo